Barack Obama released his birth certificate this week, proving that he is, in fact, an American citizen and entitled to be our president.
The Birthers wasted so much time wondering if Obama is an American citizen that they forgot to ask the important question: is he even human?
Or is this part of some diabolical plot by an alien race to conquer us from the inside-out? I submit that it’s the latter.
That’s why I’m not a Birther.
I’m an Earther.
Think about it, dear reader. Do you really think it’s a coincidence that “Obama” released his birth certificate not long after Glenn Beck was thrown from his prophetic mantle of truth at Fox News? (You can read my 100-percent accurate analysis of that tragic situation here.)
“Obama” doesn’t care about convincing you he’s an American! He just wants you to think he’s human!
I won’t tell you my sources on this because
they don’t exist I shouldn’t have to. All it takes is a keen eye and a will to blog.
The real Barack Obama was born in Hawaii in 1961 as an actual person and American citizen. What none of us knew at the time was that baby Obama was secretly replaced by an extraterrestrial look-alike, who in adulthood rose to prominence in the Democratic Party and assumed the presidency in 2008.
There’s a reason SETI has been de-funded and is no longer working. The other-worldly conspirators in our government don’t want you finding “Obama’s” home planet!
I know what you’re going to say: “Come now, Justin, why wouldn’t the aliens just attack us? If they’re smart enough to impersonate us, then they’d obviously have the advantage in a war!”
The answer, my inquisitive friend, is simple.
Battle: Los Angeles.
War of the Worlds.
Heck, even Signs.
The aliens have seen our movies and know that we think they’re going to come in, lasers blazing. Every movie we’ve ever made has prepared us for an all-out, inter-galactic assault. We know the drill: we’ll be shocked that something like this is happening in real life but will be roused to fight for the human race (and to impress pretty girls).
No, if the aliens are going to attack, they know they’ve got to adopt another strategy. They know that humans–motivated both by courage and improving their dating prospects in the post-apocalyptic world–can’t be taken in combat.
But what if the aliens disguised themselves as humans?
What if they looked and sounded just like you?
What if they managed to get themselves democratically elected to high office?
You don’t have to picture it, people.
It’s happening. Every day, in our “democracy”.
That’s why you need to wake up now, before you spend the rest of your days hand-feeding grapes to an alien in the confines of what used to be your home.
Rise from your slumber, Earthers! We’ve got no time to lose.